


Finding a new happiness

by reveetoile



Series: Creating a new family [1]
Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Childhood Trauma, Gen, Minor Character Death, Minor Original Character(s), Original Character(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-05-23 18:15:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 20,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6125644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reveetoile/pseuds/reveetoile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ohno's father kills his mother when he is eight in front of him. The story begins when he gets to know Nagase who is a social worker working with the police to help and accompany children who experienced traumatic incidents. The first part of the story is about how Ohno handles everything with his help. The rest of Arashi will appear as the story unfolds. Also there will be original characters as side characters who will come and go as they interact with Ohno and the others.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Nagase wasn't the first one to arrive at the crime scene. In fact, he was the last one. The first ones were here mere seconds after it all happened. But they were too late nevertheless.

The call came in just after ten o'clock. Nagase sighed when his eyes fell onto the person he was here for. The others told him the boy wouldn't speak to them, and they hoped he would talk to him as they shared the same origin. He shook his head to dislodge his thoughts and kneed in front of the boy.

"Hello Satoshi-kun," he began choosing the suffix deliberately to shorten the distance between them. "Are you hurt?"

The boy looked up, and Nagase felt his heart tighten painfully at his sad eyes.

"They lied," Satoshi murmured and watched the police officers milling around in the little flat he used to share with his mother. Nagase shifted slightly to block his sight.

"They tried their best," he answered softly.

"And yet they failed. It's their fault my mother is dead now. They promised to protect us from my father. And yet... And yet..." His breath hitched, and Nagase put a hand on his shoulder warmly.

"I know, and I'm sorry as are they. I understand how you feel."

"You can't. Your mother isn't dead."

"No, she is not. But she gave me away. She abandoned me when I was little. So I know how you feel when you lose her," he argued softly.

"And I'm here to help you."

"You are not. You are one of them. I don't need help from any of you! You failed when I… when she needed you the most!"

Nagase sighed and nodded understandingly. "I'm not one of them, though. I work with them, yes. But I'm not from the police. I'm here just for you," he explained and stood up.

"And I think we should leave here. You can come with me to the office," he said and held out his hand for Satoshi to take, which he did.

Satoshi was right beside him when they walked into the station, and they were allowed to enter the interrogation room immediately. There they were greeted by the inspector and a lady from the child service.

"Nice to meet you Satoshi. I'm here to ensure you are treated right. I'm Lara Schmitz you can call me Lara, okay?" Satoshi nodded mutely and eyed the inspector carefully. Nagase stood in the back to watch the discussion in silence.

"First of all: We are very sorry for your loss, Satoshi. We'll make this fast, okay? Then you can talk with Miss Schmitz."

Nodding once more Satoshi sat there waiting.

"Okay then," the inspector murmured and looked at his file, "your name is Satoshi Ohno. Eight years old. Your parents are Mamoru Ohno, accused of murder of Keiko Ohno, your mother. She died because of the stabbing earlier this night. Is that right?"

"Inspector," Nagase interrupted when he saw his charge clenching his teeth. "You know what happened. You don't have to make him repeat everything. He is a kid."

"Ah... Yes... Sorry... It's just the normal process. Can you tell us what happened?" the inspector said slower.

Satoshi looked at Nagase, who nodded at him and then at the people in front of him again.

"Everything was normal at first. I went to school and home again with one of the police officers and at home, everything was like every other day. Then when I was in bed, I heard the bell shortly before the front door opened with a loud clang. I was curious what was going on, and then my mother cried for help, and I ran to the door and saw my father with a knife. He stabbed her again and again and again..." his voice broke, and he looked away.

Miss Schmitz stood and put her and above Ohno's. "Everything will be all right. You are doing fine. You are really strong, Satoshi. Your mother would be so proud of you."

Satoshi flinched away as if he was struck and Nagase left his spot. "I think we should continue later."

"But..."

"I'm sorry inspector, but as I see it, Satoshi doesn't know what happened exactly. He was asleep and saw his father stabbing his mother when he woke up. Your men came when Satoshi ran crying for help out of the door. So the thing you have to do now is looking for an answer as for why his father could get inside. He wasn't allowed to come near his wife or son, and there were men to ensure that. Satoshi has nothing to do with it. And please don't tell me you want an identity parade or something like that."

The inspector nodded and looked at Satoshi. " I think you are right, Mr Nagase. But Satoshi needs to be attainable for further questioning if questions arise."

"He will be. He won't leave the city or country alone,” Nagase said rolling his eyes.

"You don't know that," Miss Schmitz interjected. "We have to talk about who will look after Satoshi now as both of his parents aren't available anymore. That's also why I'm here. We would encourage him to live with his family. It's proved its the best environment for kids to live with their relatives if they lose their immediate families."

Nagase could feel the little shivers running over Satoshi at those words, and he patted his shoulder once. "Not now, Miss Schmitz. And he can't leave during a running cause. I'm sorry. We can speak about all of these things at a later date," he explained.

"And where should he live?" she asked, and Nagase looked over Satoshi.

"With me. I have a guest room. He can go to school, and it's my job to watch after him and help him through all this. That's the easiest solution. And it's not the first time that kids are living with me till we found a better solution," he explained, and the inspector nodded.

"That's right. I will call you if I need him."

Nagase nodded, and Miss Schmitz looked a bit unsure.

"I just want to be sure that he is looked after," she mumbled, and Nagase smiled. At least she wanted to help and just didn't know any better.

"You can inspect my rooms if you want. To ensure he has everything and I hope we'll work well together. We have the same goal after all", he explained, and she nodded relieved.

"Thank you. Is that okay with you, Satoshi?" she asked, and he shrugged.

"Whatever..."

"Then come on, Satoshi. Let's get ice-cream. Have you ever been in a police car? We can seize one," Nagase grinned and left with the boy in tow.


	2. Chapter 2

Satoshi looked out of his window and watched the buildings without actually seeing them. His mind was in turmoil because of the events earlier, and he was more than just a little amazed Nagase succeeded to get a real police car. He thought the man was lying when he told him they could drive in one. But even that wasn’t as exciting as he thought it would be. Not after what he has witnessed.

When he closed his eyes, he saw the lifeless body of his mother on the floor and his father standing above her with that wild look in his eyes. He hasn’t been scared of his father before. He was a kind enough father while they lived together. He and his mother had their fights and once or twice Satoshi had seen him striking her. But he had never yelled at Satoshi, and he only hit him once in a bout of rage and had apologised to him crying right after.

But it was enough for his mother to pack their things and leave while his father was at work. She was apologising again and again for leaving so late for letting Mamoru hit Satoshi. Satoshi knew what his father had done then wasn’t a good thing, and he was glad to be somewhere else. It was better than seeing his parents arguing with each other and hearing his name more than once in between. But it was strange nonetheless.

After they had left home, they went to a home for women. They helped them settling down in a little apartment near his old school and even if Satoshi sometimes missed his father he had only to think about the yelling and that he hit his mother, and he was happy to be where he was.

Also, Satoshi had met him twice, both times in front of his school. The first time was okay because Mamoru let him go when he was asked. The second time he was dragged behind his father and even hit when he struggled to get away. It was only because of the help of an older woman that he could flee and run to his home to tell his mother about what happened.

After that incident his mother went to the police, got a ban mile and after Mamoru broke it twice - each time more violent than the other - they got under police protection until everything would have calmed down.

And everything was good until yesterday.

A shudder ran over his back, and he had problems refocusing when he heard Nagase clearing his throat.

“Yes?” he asked looking at the man beside him.

“Do you want to use the siren?”

Ohno blinked interested and sat more upright.

“Is that allowed?” he enquired. Nagase laughed and looked at him shortly before looking to the front again.

“Not exactly. No. But nobody has to know, right? And I can tell them that you just had to try all the buttons inside, and as I am concentrating on the traffic, I couldn’t stop you fast enough. Not to tell that I never used them before, and I had problems locating the right button to shut them off?” He winked at Ohno and the boy smiled for the first time since he had met him.

Ohno felt the excitement building up in him. It would be cool to use the sirens, and he forgot all about his dark thoughts for the moment.

“So which one do I have to push?”

“This one,” Nagase nodded to one of them and Ohno smiled before pushing said button.

He looked around again and grinned when he saw the other cars turning away so that they could drive faster. He watched as the people looked at their vehicle and had to sit on his hands so he wouldn’t wave.

He didn’t see Nagase’s look of content when the man shut the siren off again.

“We are nearly at the ice-cream parlour. I hope you like ice-cream,” he asked, and Satoshi nodded a little bashful.

“I don’t have any money on me.”

“It’s my treat, kid. Come on.”

Satoshi smiled a little more when he exited the car.

“Thank you,” he whispered and was surprised how easy it was to talk to Nagase.

Satoshi followed Nagase outside and looked around before hurrying over to where the man had sat down. A deep sigh left his throat when he felt the warm beams of sunlight on his face and chose something to eat. He kept silence when the waiter came to get their order and left them alone once again.

“Do I have to go to school?”

“Of course. The holidays haven’t begun yet. You can’t just skip school. It will do you good. But not for the rest of the week. Don’t worry.”

Satoshi bit his lips and nodded mutely.

“Do you think, my father will be there? Won’t they ask what happened?”

Nagase sighed and waited till the waiter had set their orders down and left again before answering: “No, he won’t be there. He is in investigative custody, and he won’t be able to get out before his trial unless he has much money on the side to pay his way out. And I will be there to bring you to school and get you from there if you want. Also, I think they’ll know what happened. Your teachers will at least and I don’t think they won’t tell the pupils. But regardless if or if not: You don’t have to tell them anything you don’t want to.”

They ate in silence and Satoshi tried hard not to think about all of the things. But he just couldn’t help himself.

“Would she live if I had helped her?” he asked in a small voice and looked up startled when he felt a hand in his hair.

“I don’t think so. Your father is stronger than you. I think she would have been sad if he hurt you. You did the right thing to call for help.”

“Why doesn’t it feel like it?”

“Because that’s normal. Being right seldom feels good. Satoshi-kun it isn’t your fault, okay? You mustn’t forget that, and I will remember you daily till you believe me. Nothing that happened is your fault.”

Satoshi looked up surprised and had to swallow hard to stop his tears.

“Is it bad that I hate him?” Satoshi asked, and Nagase shook his head.

“No, it’s not. I hated my mother when she left me for many years.”

“But not now?”

“No. I’m older now, and I can understand her somehow. Perhaps I will tell her so someday when I visit Japan and find her. But even if you will hate your father forever it would be okay. Everything you feel, but to think anything that happened is your fault, is okay, understood?”

Satoshi nodded and played with the napkin while he thought about what he was being told.

“Satoshi-kun? Do you have any family here or anywhere else?”

Satoshi blinked and shook his head slowly.

“My parents left for Germany when they were freshly married. I don’t know if I have any other family in Japan left, but I don’t think so. They never told me about it, and we never visited them. Do you think I have to leave if they find someone?”

Satoshi didn’t want to leave. He was born here. He didn’t know Japan other than out of the stories his mother told him. He wanted to visit this country some time in the future but not live there. Not right now at least. His mother loved Berlin, and he loves it, too. Besides, he would miss his friends.

“I don’t think so. Shall I talk with Miss Schmitz to find a foster family instead?”

Satoshi thought about it and nodded slowly.

“Yes, please.”

The thought of living with unknown people was a little disturbing but better than the alternative, and he was smart enough to know that he was much too young to live alone.

“Do you want something else?” Nagase asked suddenly, and he shook his head. The man nodded and paid the bill before standing again.

“I think we should talk to Mi…” he stopped himself and sighed. She told him and Satoshi to tell her Lara, and he should set a good example for Satoshi, “Lara once more. It would be better if she inspects your sleeping arrangements today and I think she wants to speak to you about different things.”

“Will you be there?” Satoshi asked without breathing, and Nagase nodded.

“If you want. But I don’t think that you have to be scared. She is a nice woman and she wants only your best.”

“I know, but…” Satoshi stopped and sighed deeply. He couldn’t tell why he wanted Nagase by his side. He didn’t know why but Nagase was like a safety net, and he felt better with him by his side. Nagase didn’t think he was strong or brave, and that was good. He just didn’t know how to explain himself.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain yourself,” Nagase said when he realised what was going on, and Ohno heaved a sigh of relief.

“Thank you.”

“No need to thank me. That’s why I’m here. You can tell me what you want. You don’t have to ask for everything.”


	3. Chapter 3

“I didn’t think I would see you here today,” were Lara’s first words, when Nagase entered her room with Satoshi in tow. The man smiled a little and pushed Satoshi forward.

“I thought it would be best if we could discuss everything about housing him today. It would be better if Satoshi could settle down soon. He seems to be a little tired,” he explained, and the woman nodded once.

“That’s true. Please sit down. Do you want to have something to drink or some cookies?” she asked friendly, and Nagase brought Ohno to a stool in front of the desk before sitting down in the one next his.

“A coffee would be great.”

“Nothing,” Ohno mumbled, and Nagase sighed.

“I think a glass of water would be okay if you’ll get thirsty. Better safe than sorry, no?”

Ohno shrugged, and Lara nodded leaving them alone for a moment to get the drinks.

When they settled down once more, Lara looked a little unsure how to proceed, and Nagase had to smile at that. He liked people who were trying hard.

“I talked to my boss, and he said it would be okay if you live with Mister Nagase for the time being, Satoshi,” she explained smiling a little when Satoshi sagged in relief and took his glass of water.

“But we will meet from time to time to talk a little and see what happens next. It’s important to find a permanent place for you to stay.”

Satoshi eyes slid to Nagase for a moment before he nodded.

“Okay.”

She nodded once writing something down. “We will talk to your teachers about what happened so you won’t have to.”

He nodded looking a little helpless and she sighed.

“I’m sorry I can’t do much more, Satoshi. I will be here if you need someone to talk and I will help you the best way I can, but some things must be done. And finding your way to a healthy life again is one of them. And after such happenings, it’s obligatory for you to visit a child therapist.”

Satoshi’s eyes widened, and he looked at both adults.

“Why?”

“Because you need someone to help you,” Lara said.

“But can’t Mister Nagase help me?”

“I’m sure he will, Satoshi. But you have to speak with someone about what happened. With someone professional and it will be better if that’s not one of us.”

“I don’t want to talk about what happened. I did that already. I don’t want to think about that anymore,” Satoshi said a little panicked and louder than necessary and Nagase squeezed his hand once to calm him down.

“I know. And you don’t have to if you don’t want to. You can talk about or do other things if you want, but Miss Schmitz is right. You have to see someone even if it’s just once. It’s to help you, Satoshi-kun,” Nagase tried to explain to him.

Lara kneeled down in front of the boy and took his hands in hers.

“It’s only for as long as you need. And it might help when you are back at school. You can talk to the therapist about being back and try to work out what to do in your future. It will help to convince everyone about what is best for you later. Where you should live and how.”

“Do I have to go there forever?”

“No, you don’t. I promise it will be okay. We work together with a very nice lady. She is a little unique but very nice. Perhaps you’ll even like it there.”

“Okay,” Ohno mumbled and hung his head beaten.

“Don’t look so down, Satoshi. If you work with us you’ll even get pocket money from us,” she tried to lighten his mood, happy when she saw a little smile.

“And it would be best if you’ll write down a list of things you want from your home. We’ll get them for you. Your clothes, toys and other things.”

“Do I have to go back there?”

Lara shook his head and put her hand on his head patting his hair.

“No. We will do those things. Don’t worry about anything but yourself.”

He nodded in thanks and she smiled a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Characters: Since I forgot to introduce the characters I will do so now. I hope it will clear some things up. If you have any more questions, you may ask all of the time of course. I'm happy to hear from you.  
> Ohno Satoshi: He is eight years old at the beginning of the story. His parents are both Japanese, but they are the second generation of the family that lives in Germany. So Satoshi is the third generation. He speaks a little bit of Japanese and understands it relatively well, but he is not fluent. He can't write it because he never learnt as he wasn't interested in it and it was hard enough for him to learn writing as it was. He speaks mostly German with Nagase and the people around him. But Nagase sometimes uses some Japanese phrases that Satoshi likes and is used to. He is in the second year of grade school at the moment.  
> Nagase Tomoya: He lived in an orphanage in Japan. His mother left him there because she thought children too much work. She promised him when she visited once or twice a year that she would take him back one day, so he was never open to getting adopted. He grew up and visited Berlin when he was in his late teens/the early twenties for a year back in college. He liked the city and decided to live there in future. So he changed his major and ended his studies in Germany. He is a social worker specialised in working with the police and with traumatised kids or kids with behavioural problems. He is 28 right now.  
> Lara Schmitz: She works for the youth welfare service but is only fresh out of school. Satoshi is her first case. She wants the best but mostly doesn't know how to interact with children and tries very hard to do as they told her in school. She only has a minor role in this, though. But she will appear now and then.


	4. Chapter 4

Satoshi felt nervous as they arrived at the praxis of the therapist two days later after his talk with Lara.

"Don't you think I'm better now?" He asked and Nagase - who he was told to call Tomoya - sighed a bit.

"Satoshi we discussed this yesterday. I think it's the best if you talk to her."

"Can we get ice-cream afterwards?"

"Of course, if you want. I'll even wait for you inside. Now come on. It isn't nice to keep others waiting."

Satoshi nodded pouting and went inside after his caretaker. It was weird to think about talking to someone without the man. He was everywhere where Satoshi was in the last few days, and he got used to it. Satoshi took a deep breath when a woman waved him over. He looked at Nagase when he stayed seated and bit his lip a little surprised.

“Will you not come in with me?” he asked hopefully, and Nagase shook his head.

“You should talk with somebody without me. And here you are safe. Miss Lawrenz won’t force you to do anything you aren’t comfortable with. And besides, I really want to read this magazine. So go and take your time,” he prompted him, opening said magazine and starting to read it. Satoshi nodded after a few seconds even if Nagase wouldn’t look up from his magazine as to tell him to get really going. Satoshi sighed rejected before he went to the lady who waited patiently for him to bring him into another room.

“Nice to meet you Satoshi. I’m Judith Lawrenz,” the woman introduced herself and closed the door behind them. He looked around nervously and curiously.

“Nice to meet you, Miss Lawrenz. I’m Satoshi Ohno,” he said fast when he realised he didn’t answer back. He felt his cheeks growing warmer when she laughed softly. It was a beautiful sound he thought and blushed even more.

“You can call me Judith. I’m calling you Satoshi, too, so it’s only fair. And we will talk about so many personal things that I would feel more comfortable like that.”

“We will? Will you tell me something about you, too?” he asked surprised, and she nodded amusedly.

“Sure. If you want to know something I’ll tell you. Let’s sit down and I'll show you the things we can do.”

Satoshi nodded carefully and sat down in one of the big cushions on the floor that were surprisingly comfy. Judith sat down beside him and laid down some papers in front of them.

Satoshi kept looking at them and Judith a little suspicious and tucked his hands under his legs to keep them from fidgeting. His mother used to tell him that it was a bad habit he had, and he tried to break it.

“So what do I have to do?”

“Nothing you don’t want to,” she promised, and he furrowed his brow, clearly not believing her.

“But I have to talk about what happened, Tomoya and Lara said so. And I don’t want to. I don’t even remember anymore,” he said slowly.

“Perhaps you want some other time while you are here. But you don’t have to right now. I have games here we can play, or you can paint if you want. Mister Nagase said he saw many pictures in your room the other day. But you haven’t drawn anything since you stayed with him?”

Satoshi nibbled on his lips and looked into his lap clearly remembering the pictures Lara brought with her when she brought his stuff. He drew for his mother most of the time because she loved his pictures and would laugh happily when he told her about them. Drawing reminded him how much he missed her and that he would never see her again.

“Don’t want to,” he mumbled, and she nodded understandingly.

“But I would love to see some of your pictures someday. I’m sure they are great. I love art. And I’m happy whenever someone will give me one.” Satoshi looked around and saw some pictures on the walls - apparently painted by kids. This seemed to be true at least.

Judith looked at him for a moment before standing again. Satoshi looked up a little panicked thinking that she would scold him for not doing anything but the woman just smiled and waved him over.

He followed her curiously to a little table that was covered with a plastic cover.

“What is that?” he asked and sat on one of the small chairs she pointed at.

“Something I discovered only recently, and I love it. Let’s play with some clay. Did you ever do something with clay?”

He shook his head, but his eyes shone with interest when she showed him a few pictures of figurines you could do with it.

“But shouldn’t you ask me questions?” he asked while he let her fasten an apron around his neck and nudged the cold clay with a curious finger.

“We can do that later or on another day. Now I really want to do that. Besides, we could do both, can’t we? You won’t use your mouth to make something. If you do, I should reconsider doing this with you as clay isn’t to be eaten.”

He pouted a little at that reprimand and took eagerly the part of clay she gave to him.

“I’m not a little kid. I know only food is to be eaten,” he said and had to smile a little amused when Judith laughed at his words murmuring a little ‘sorry’ between the laughter. Satoshi decided he really liked the sound. It reminded him of his mother in a good way.

In the end, he didn’t say much more in the hour they spend. Judith told him a little about herself and what they could do here.

He listened carefully and nodded once or twice when she told him about her kids or her husband. It was nice hearing her talk with so much affection about her family, and it was really nice not to be prompted to speak. Satoshi liked to listen more than to speak. It calmed his thoughts.

He concentrated on his hands while they played with the clump of clay and decided that it felt nice. It was totally new to poke and nudge at something to form whatever he wanted. He tried different things like flowers, animals and even a funny face and in the end he let Judith take some pictures of his results.

“We can burn one if you want. You are excellent at it. I can't believe it's your first time trying,” she said when he was finished with the last one, and he stared sceptically at his ‘art’. It was totally not what he wanted. He wanted to make a cat like he saw every day sitting on a little table in front of a restaurant right beside his old flat but it looked more like a monster than an actual cat. He decided that he had to try once more another time.

“Not today,” he decided and pulled at the clay till it was nothing more than a bizarre looking bowl. Now that was much better!

“Perhaps another time.” Judith agreed and put the clay back again. She helped Satoshi to clean himself and took off his apron. “Our time for today is over. But I think you should come again next week.”

Satoshi looked around once more, and his eyes fell on a little timbrel. He went there without thinking and took it in his hands. The little bells around it ringed merrily, and he looked at it forlornly.

“Mum used to have one like this when I was tiny. She would tell stories to me in the evening and…” he stopped and fastened his grip on it a little as he shivered. “It’s not there anymore. One day it wasn’t there anymore.”

Satoshi felt hurt as he remembered how his mother would tell him stories when he was young and how it could mean danger or thunder or horses if she banged on it or how she let the bells ring when the hero rescued his princess. He liked the stories as they ended with a great happy end each time. The princess would be rescued, and all would live together. He wanted that too.

“I want her back,” he confessed, and his fingers loosened his hold on the timbrel, and it fell onto the floor with a clatter. He tried really hard not to cry because of his thoughts. Judith stepped behind him and took the timbre to put it in its right place more carefully.

“It’s okay to want that. It’s okay to miss her, Satoshi,” she murmured and looked into his eyes. “It’s totally normal, and you don’t have to be ashamed of it.”

“But…”

She shook her head. “You will never forget her or not miss her, Satoshi. You shouldn’t fight against that. I can’t say I know how you feel because I haven’t lost my mother, yet, but I can imagine how sad I would be if she weren't there anymore. You don’t have to be strong and brave all the time. If you miss her and think of her, you are allowed to tell anybody you want about her, and you are allowed to cry if you want to, too.”

“Won’t they laugh or feel bad?” He looked at her imploringly, and she smiled.

“Nobody would laugh, and if they feel bad you can tell them they don’t have to, alright? We can’t give your mother back to you. But we don’t want to take her from you either.”

“A foster family wouldn’t be happy, though, would they? Tomoya says I would be able to find a new family to live with. I don’t know if I want to have a new family.”

“All people want to have families, Satoshi. You don’t want to be alone either, do you?”

He shook his head at that. No, he didn’t want to be all alone. He just didn’t know if he wanted an entirely new family.

“And no, they won’t feel bad either. They will know about your loss, and they won’t ever demand from you to forget your parents.”

Satoshi thought about her words for a long time before he nodded. “Thank you, Judith,” he said, and she smiled.

“You are very welcome. Now come on. Let’s tell Mister Nagase that you are fine before he comes inside to check for himself.”

“You think he is worried?” Satoshi asked surprised.

“Of course, he is. He is a nice man.” Satoshi nodded and grinned. He liked Nagase after all.

They left the room, and Satoshi was told to sit in the waiting room for a moment so Judith and Nagase could speak alone and decide for a new appointment.

“What do you think about pizza this evening, Satoshi?” Nagase asked when he came back, and he looked up.

“That would be great after the ice-cream. Thank you, Nagase-san,” he grinned, and the man rolled his eyes.

“Then let’s go, boy.”

They waved goodbye to Judith and Satoshi felt a little lighter. Perhaps this wasn’t so bad after all. At least he would be able to play with the clay again next week. And maybe he would tell Judith to burn it for the week after, too.


	5. Chapter 5

Nagase went to speak to Miss Lemberg - Satoshi’s homeroom-teacher - the same day Satoshi saw Judith the second time at the end of the first week of staying with Nagase. He, Miss Schmitz and Miss Lawrenz thought it was okay for the boy to visit the school again starting next week. It would be best if he could live a life as normal as he could for Satoshi and it would be easier if he didn’t miss too many classes. The last thing they wanted for Satoshi was to lose his friends from school.

Even Satoshi agreed when he was asked by Nagase after his session with Judith.

“Do you want to come inside, too?” Nagase asked the boy when they arrived and looked at him for a moment. Satoshi seemed a little happier now, and Nagase was glad that beside of the usual shock and sadness Satoshi seemed to be doing more or less okay.

“Do you think I can get some of my stuff?”

“I'm sure you can. We will ask. And you can get it while I speak to your teacher and the director.”

“What will you tell them?”

“I will tell them what happened to your mother. They must have heard all about it on the television anyway. And I will tell them, you will come back on Monday just like we talked about. Also, they have to know they can call me or Miss Schmitz if anything is wrong.”

Satoshi nodded thoughtfully and looked at him lost in his thoughts.

“Will you ask them if you’ll get everything about what they are doing this week?”

Nagase was a little surprised but nodded in confirmation. “I promise.”

“Thank you, Tomoya,” Satoshi said relieved. He was a little scared to be made fun of if he didn’t know what they were doing. Nagase waited if Satoshi wanted to know something else before he opened his door.

“Then let’s go inside,” he proposed and waited for him. Satoshi took his hand to lead him to the secretary, and he thanked the boy when they have arrived there.

Nagase knocked, and they waited till they were asked to come inside and Nagase put his hand on Satoshi’s shoulder when he stiffened because the people inside gasped and looked very sorry for Satoshi the moment they saw him.

“Satoshi asked if he could get some of his things from the classroom,” Nagase said smoothly, though, and the adults winced but looked more normal now.

“Ah! Of course, no problem,” Miss Lemberg said searching for the keys.

“I’m sure he can get them alone while we talk?”, Nagase suggested, and the women nodded. Nagase winked at Satoshi and the boy smiled thankfully.

“Off you go then, Satoshi. Take your time and don’t destroy anything.”

“I’m not a little kid,” he pouted but nodded nonetheless when Nagase looked at him imploringly. “Thank you,” he said politely when he got the keys and left the room once more.

Nagase had waited for a moment before he looked at the adults left in the room.

“Is everything okay with him, Mister Nagase?” Miss Lemberg asked, and he shrugged.

“We can’t tell for sure at the moment, but he seems to be. He is still in shock, naturally, and it’s hard for him to talk about what happened, but he gets there, I’m certain. We have to see how it works in a few weeks time when his father is in trial and then again when they find a foster family for him. But for the moment he is as well as he can be. I’m here because we think it would be the best if his life turns normal or as normal as it can be at the moment as soon as possible. So school is the next important step to take. It would be a good distraction, and he will feel better if he can talk to and meet his friends.”

“When will he come back?”

“This Monday morning. We discussed it, and he is okay with it. It’s just… He is a little nervous about your reactions and the ones of the other kids. He doesn’t want to be pitied or to be remembered for it every second.”

“Okay, but how should we react then? I can't dictate them what to say or do.”

“First, you should tell the teachers that he needs time. I can’t tell when it will be too much for him or when he needs a break since I’m not here. But I’m sure it will happen while he is here, just as it happens when he is with me at home. I would like to ask you to give him the opportunity to leave a situation he feels he can’t handle. And to call me or Miss Schmitz if anything goes wrong. I can come here once or twice a week after school to talk about how Satoshi is coping with everything, and you can tell me if something has occurred strange to you. If that isn’t makeable for you, I would like to at least phone regularly for the first few weeks.”

“That’s good, I think,” Miss Lemberg nodded and looked at the director who hummed thoughtfully.

“If he needs to get out, he can come here. It’s the calmest place in school where he wouldn’t be all alone, and we have a phone here if he needs to call someone,” he decided, and Nagase nodded.

“For the rest, it will be the best if you try to behave normally with him and make sure he knows he can get out, speak with you and that he has time to get back into the rear. We can decide after the first week when and how we up the expectations for him.”

“But what shall we tell the kids? They don’t know what happened and if they knew they wouldn’t understand.”

“Why not? They are old enough to know all about good and bad and death. Tell them what happened: His mother is dead, and he lives with me for the moment. Ask them not to ask Satoshi what exactly happened and that he will tell them when he is ready to. Explain to them that he is unhappy because of what happened. It can happen that he doesn’t speak much or answer to their questions. They shouldn’t feel bad about it or hate Satoshi because of it. Tell them he doesn’t do such things to be especially mean but doesn’t realise he does them because of his sadness. Kids are great generally. I don’t think there will be a problem with them. If there will be Satoshi will tell you or me, and you can try to talk to them individually,” he explained.

“I think that will do,” she mumbled thoughtfully and looked at the clock. “Satoshi should be back by now,” she stated.

“I think he is waiting for us to finish speaking as he knows why I’m here. He asked me to get his homework for this week to do them while he is at mine. Perhaps you can send them to me?”

Miss Lemberg had nodded with a smile before she let him outside.

Nagase grinned at Satoshi, who was sitting on a chair and swinging his legs back and forth while watching the shadows on the floor.

“We are finished,” he said, and Satoshi straightened up. “Did you get everything?”

Satoshi nodded, and Miss Lemberg smiled at him when he gave her the keys back.

“Thank you, Satoshi. I’ll see you on Monday and don’t forget to relax the next few days. Do you want me to send a friend with your homework or shall I tell you?”

“Just telling me will be enough. I’ll call someone if I want to see them,” he decided and looked at Nagase for a sign of agreement.

“Sounds good to me. And now we should go home. I’m hungry.”

Satoshi nodded happily and grabbed Nagase’s hand once more.

“Me, too.”


	6. Chapter 6

Satoshi was more nervous than he wanted to admit when he stood in front of the school, but he was also very excited to see his classmates again. He wanted to meet his friends to play with them in school. The last week has been filled with reading and learning on his own or with the help of Tomoya and Lara. Mostly with Tomoya since Lara had other clients to visit and as such he didn’t get to see her as much as he thought he would at first. He was all right with it since he liked Tomoya more than Lara even if he felt a little bit bad because of that.

Satoshi had called Sho, one of his friends and classmate, once to ask him something about his English homework and Sho had been a bit fidgety on the phone. Now he was anxious how his friend would react when they met in school. He should have asked Tomoya to see him on the weekend, but he didn't want to meet anyone before today. So it was his fault.

“Miss Lemberg promised you could go to the secretary if you want a break from the lessons. Your director said so, too. So use the place and call me if you need to. But other than that: Have fun with your friends and be nice,” Tomoya advised.

“Okay. I’ll see you after school, Tomoya,” Satoshi said smiling determined and shouldered his bag. “Thank you.”

Satoshi waved once more and entered the schoolyard. He looked around and grinned at Sho when he spotted him right behind the gate waiting for him just at their usual spot for meeting before classes start.

“Hello, Satoshi,” Sho greeted and waved him over. Satoshi smiled even more at the normal voice of the other.

“Hello, Sho. I’m sorry I didn’t call you again…” he began, but Sho shook his head.

“It’s okay. I don’t think you had much time to talk. Did you finish all your homework?”

Satoshi nodded. “Of course. Your mail helped a lot, thanks again.”

Sho took his hand tugging him along when the first bell sounded.

“Miss Lemberg allowed you to sit beside me. Dennis changed seats for you,” he explained happily. They weren’t allowed to sit beside each other before because their teachers feared they would talk to each other the whole time. Satoshi had laughed when he heard that because Sho would never allow anyone to speak to him besides of the teacher or for group work while they had lessons. Nobody was as strict with school work than Sho was. Satoshi wasn't even sure that most teachers were as strict.

They entered the classroom talking about Sho’s last week, and Satoshi felt a little insecure for a moment when he saw the others inside, but most of them just greeted Satoshi and Sho the way they normally did before ignoring them once more. At least more or less. Satoshi was sure that they glanced at them, or more exactly him, once or twice.

Sho sighed a little apologetic and whispered into Satoshi’s ear: “Miss Lemberg said your mother died last week and because you can’t live with your father you live with someone else at the moment.”

Satoshi nodded and looked to the floor. At least they didn't seem to know that the only reason he couldn't live with his dad was that he was the one who killed his mother. Sho watched him for a moment before he tugged him to their seats.

“She said not to ask you anything because you will tell us if you want to.”

Lily, their class representative, approached them and smiled at Satoshi.

“Welcome back. We are happy to have you back,” she said brightly, and the others hummed in agreement. Satoshi managed a little smile and thanked the girl and the rest of the class. He tried not to think too much about that since they mostly welcomed the one who was ill back after a week or more of absence and he was gone for a week and a half after all. But he was relieved when Miss Lemberg entered the room and greeted the class before starting her lesson as she would normally do. And finally, Satoshi was able to relax the first time since he entered the room.

The others looked at him throughout the first hours, but whatever Miss Lemberg told them refrained them from asking what happened, thankfully.

“Is everything okay?” she asked at lunch, and Satoshi looked up while drinking his milk. He and Sho were allowed to stay inside if they wanted today. And Satoshi wanted to. It was much calmer inside, and here he wouldn't have to fear for all of the others to ask about his parents.

“Thank you for letting me sit with Sho,” he said instead of answering directly, and she nodded.

“I thought he could help you if you don’t understand something but I looked over your homework for the last week. I’m proud of you. You did very well.”

He grinned happily and took a bite from the bread Nagase gave him this morning.

“Thank you,” he said again smiling brightly before he took a big hungry bite from the bread Nagase made for him. She nodded and stood once more.

“I told the other teachers about our agreement, too, so don’t hesitate to leave the room, if needed.”

“I promise, Miss Lemberg. But I think I will be all right.”

She left them alone once more, and Satoshi finished his meal with Sho doing most of the talking like every other day, not once mentioning that he would prefer to play games with the others outside which Satoshi was deeply thankful for.

The rest of the school day went by without any incidents even so he was glad that the day was over, and they could leave school. It had been tiring, and he wanted nothing more than to sleep away the rest of his day. He went to the gate where he saw Nagase and smiled at the man, glad that he was waiting for him.

“How was school?”

“It was okay.” Nagase nodded not expecting a more elaborate answer from the kid and looked at Sho, who was standing beside Ohno. He cocked an eyebrow at his charge when Sho looked back at him nervously and apparently waited to be introduced.

“Ah! That’s Sho Sakurai, a classmate and my friend! Sho that’s Tomoya Nagase… He…” he stopped and looked at Nagase for help.

“He lives with me for the moment. But I think you can say I’m one of his friends, too. Am I not?”

Ohno nodded, smiling brightly. “Yes! Absolutely.” Nagase laughed a little at the loud answer and tousled his hair.

“May Sho visit us some time?” Ohno asked hesitantly, and he nodded.

“If it’s okay with his parents.”

Sho thought for a moment. “I think so. But I have to ask them first. I can't promise anything.”

Nagase nodded earnestly. “You can come with us whenever you want. Only Thursday will be bad. I don’t have time on that day,” he explained, and Ohno looked a bit confused before he remembered his appointments with Judith. Judith said it would be best for each of them if they met regularly on the same day.

“I will tell Satoshi if and when. But I have to go now. My mother will worry if I’m late. I’ll see you tomorrow, Satoshi.”

Satoshi nodded and waved goodbye before entering Nagase’s car.

Satoshi was silent on their way home as usual. The traffic was so slow, and Satoshi had problems with keeping his eyes open as he looked outside. He was totally focused on whatever happened but today it all felt a little blurry. Without actually realising his head fell forward, and he fell asleep like a little kid in the backseat.

Nagase looked at Satoshi when he heard the silent bang when Satoshi's head met the window and smiled in amusement when he saw the boy sleeping peacefully.

“You have to wake up,” Nagase said when they arrived at his home and shook Satoshi gently. The boy opened his eyes sleepily, rubbing them tiredly with the back of his hands.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, blinking cutely and Nagase rolled his eyes.

“It’s okay. Sleeping in the car is better than sleeping in school or when you have to do your homework like you have to do later.”

He helped the still sleepy Satoshi out of the car taking Satoshi’s bag to enter the house and his flat afterwards, guiding him by his shoulders so that he won't run into a wall. Inside he pushed Satoshi gently into the bathroom and told him to wash his face to refresh a little. Satoshi entered the kitchen when he was ready and sat on a chair; he began to consider as his place, still yawning standing up again shortly after to grab something to drink.

“I will make dinner while you do your homework,” Nagase said, and Satoshi nodded mutely, sitting down again and taking out some books. He wasn't talkative when he was this sleepy.

They worked in silence with Satoshi asking a few questions when he didn’t understand a problem or whenever Nagase, who was looking over his shoulder, pointed out a mistake.

After Satoshi was done with his homework, he set the table, and they ate in a comfortable silence. Later the night, before going to bed, Nagase looked into Satoshi's room to see if everything was alright. He covered him once more with the blanket that had begun to fall off and fought a little smile when he realised that the boy seemed to have fallen asleep without crying first for the first time since he had appeared in his life. Satoshi would wake later because of bad dreams like every night, but Nagase thought they were on the right path to get his life on track again. And that was, after all, a very happy thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sho Sakurai: He is half a year younger than Satoshi, but they are in the same class since the first grade (they are in 2nd grade now). And become best friends fast. Sho is the oldest son of three and both of his parents are working. His father works for a big office that has a second branch in Berlin, and they live there for three years now. His mother is a freelancer for a newspaper so she has much free time to spend at home. Sho visits Japan regularly since his grandparents live there, and his family might go back to Japan in the future if his father has to for work. Otherwise, they want to wait at least till the kids passed school as not to confuse them with different systems. Their teacher put them on opposite ends in school as she was scared that they would talk to each other through the lessons but decided to change seats because of what happened so that Satoshi has his friend near him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really not sure about this chapter. I'm sorry if it's boring :(

The next few days went the same way. Nagase brought Satoshi to school in the mornings and fetched him in the afternoons. Most days they went home directly afterwards. On Thursday Satoshi had to leave school a little early because of his appointment with the therapist - something Nagase felt terrible for, but he made the appointment thinking school ended earlier that day.  
"How was school?" Nagase asked once they were sitting in the car and Satoshi looked at him for a short moment.  
"It was okay. Sho said he was allowed to come with us tomorrow. Is that okay with you?" Nagase gave an affirmative noise and Satoshi smiled thankfully at him. He was happy to spend time with him tomorrow outside of school. The ride didn't take long, and Satoshi greeted the woman in the front, and they went to the waiting room to wait for Judith.

Satoshi entered Judith' room after being called in by her and sat directly down onto the chair at the small table.

“How was your first week in school, Satoshi?” Judith asked.

“It was good. I had fun somehow. But it was also weird,” he answered thoughtfully.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Satoshi shook his head after a moment, and Judith sighed a little.

“I won’t force you,” she promised when Satoshi stiffened on his chair and sat down beside him. “But I would be happy to listen to anything you want to talk about.”

“I thought about telling Sho about what happened,” he murmured slowly after a few minutes. “But I’m scared he won’t talk to me after that anymore.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because…” Satoshi stopped talking and rubbed his face. He was so confused.

“Satoshi, talking about what happened will help. You really shouldn’t keep everything to yourself.”

“But I don’t want to think about it.”

Judith nodded and patted his head. Satoshi shook her hand away and stood up, full of nervous energy he began pacing around. Satoshi looked around and tried to bottle his feelings up once more. He didn’t want to think about his mother and father or that day in general.

Judith watched him for a moment pacing around before standing herself and waving him over to the worktable.

“I promised you; you can make some new figurines. Or do you want to do something else?”

Satoshi looked up surprised and nodded slowly.

“Yes, please.” He went back to the little table where they sat, and Judith put all the needed materials on it. She helped him with tying the apron, and he began to mould the clay lost in his thoughts.

Judith watched him making little heads and other things she couldn’t decipher from her place across from him. Satoshi calmed down slowly.

“What are you making?” she asked after a while, and he frowned a little when he looked at his figurines.

“People.”

“What people?”

“Don’t know. You tell me the same things Tomoya does, you know? He asked me to speak about the evening, too. And I did. I told the police, didn’t I?”

“I suppose.”

“And I can’t change anything that happened, and I just want to forget. But I can’t. It’s not fair. It’s in my dreams, and I can’t sleep because of it.”

Judith nodded and watched Satoshi. Satoshi kept his eyes on the figurine before him and tried to make it more detailed.

“No, it’s not fair. You are right. But that doesn’t make it easier.” Satoshi nodded and sighed a little.

“Try telling me the truth of what happened then. Just to practice with your friend.”

Satoshi shot her a little look before focusing on his figure once more.

“But you know what happened.”

“Yes, I do. But I didn’t hear it from you.”

Satoshi kept his silence for a moment more and stilled his fingers deep in thought before they began working again almost automatically.

“Dad wasn’t bad all the time, you know? Everyone thinks he is bad. He isn’t. Well, at least he wasn't.”

“I didn’t say he was, Satoshi. I don’t think your mother would have kept living with a man who was bad.”

Satoshi nodded relieved Judith thought that and smiled for the fraction of a second.

“He was loving when I was smaller, you know? He loved mum and me, and he had a great job. But I don’t know. Sometime over the last two years, everything got worse. He didn’t lose his job or something like that. He just had less time for us. He and mum argued, at first seldom then more often. Dad got louder and sometimes he got drunk. I think he made mum cry then. He was nice enough to me, though. But he had less and less time to do things with me,” he stopped licking his suddenly very dry lips.

Judith just listened to him and smiled encouragingly whenever he shot her a look in between his tale.

“Then one day he hit her. I didn’t see it. I heard them arguing and then I heard the hit, and I heard her crying. Dad left after that. It happened more often afterwards. Mum told me I had to give him time. It’s hard to him and that he loves us, and it will be as it was before. I believed her because I wished she was telling the truth. Then…” he stopped once again and sighed sadly.

“One day he hit me because he was just so mad. I don’t even remember why. And he even apologised right afterwards. But he hit me, and I was shocked. Mum found out about it, and she was mad at him. She apologised to me for not leaving earlier. Then she packed up our things, and we left for a friend where we slept for a few days before we went to a help centre or something like that. Mum told me that it was a centre for women with similar problems like ours and that we would get help there. The people there were friendly, you know? Dad called her a few times and said awful things making her cry. He threatened mum and her friend, and he tried to catch me after school. Mum was furious. She decided to get divorced, and dad got madder, and I think he got sad. He loved her, you know? She did, too, I believe. But it was too late. Mum explained sometimes love isn’t enough to be together,” he mumbled, and Judith nodded.

“She was a smart woman.”

“Yes… Yes, she i… was. She said dad was ill, and I think she is right. He cried when she told him we won’t meet him anymore before he gets help. He said he had to accept that even if he didn’t like that. I don’t understand or remember what happened then. But… He… I don’t know,” he said a little frustrated and poked his figurine harder than strictly necessary.

“It’s okay. Even adults don’t understand those things most of the time.”

Satoshi relaxed a bit and thought once more about what happened next.

“I didn’t understand much. Mum didn’t tell me what happened next. She didn’t let me go anywhere alone and then the police said they’ll look after us so that nothing bad will happen. Because dad sometimes went to my school and he said and did things, that scared me. But they said nothing will happen to us, as long as they are there because they would protect us. But..”

“But they didn’t.”

“Not enough at least,” he answered sadly and fought against his tears. “Dad succeeded to come inside our house one day and then he… He… He was shouting, and mum was crying and scared and he got a knife and stabbed her just like that, so many times. I was so scared, and there was blood everywhere. I don’t remember more. Just… Then the police came and... It hurts, Judith. Thinking about it hurts,” he cried and hid his face behind his hands.

“And now everybody tells me, I was brave or that I don’t have to be scared since my father won’t ever hurt me again because they got him. But I’m not feeling brave, never have. I’m feeling sad. And I don’t know if I want to see him again. I don’t want to be hurt by him again. But he is my dad... And Tomoya promised me to look after me as long as I live with him.”

“That’s good, though, isn’t it?”

“Yes… But Lara says she will find a foster family for me soon. I don’t know if I want that.”

Judith thought about his words and smiled softly at him. “I understand, but you have to live somewhere, don’t you? And with a family is better than anywhere else. I’m sorry I can’t help you with that.”

Satoshi shook his head rubbing at his eyes and cheeks to dry them. He felt a little better even if he missed his mother even more now. His heart was hurting so much. But he remembered that Judith said that it was normal for him to miss her. Even Tomoya said it was fine for him to miss her as much as he did.

“I know. But thank you for telling me the truth,” he mumbled. He liked that better than Lara or the men at the police station who all told him everything will be better soon because they’ll help him to make his life normal again. It never would become completely healthy again.

Tomoya and Judith did, too, but they never told him everything would be as it was before. They were helping him to be able coping and being himself once again. That was a difference. He understood that now.

“Can we go see Tomoya, please?”

“Of course. The time for our sitting has ended anyway.”  
Satoshi nodded and left the room with Judith right behind him. He looked at Nagase sitting and waiting for him where he left him before. When Nagase looked up worried, he couldn’t resist going to him. He embraced the man and began crying once again when Nagase's arms went around him comfortingly.


	8. Chapter 8

Nagase put his magazine down when Satoshi and Judith came back and smiled at the boy before he frowned when he saw the red-rimmed eyes of Satoshi.

“Is everything alright?” he asked and stood up. He was a little surprised when Satoshi went to him and put his arms around him without speaking. “Satoshi?”

He got down on his knees and put his arms around the young boy. He rubbed his back when Satoshi began crying and looked a bit confused at Judith before he concentrated on the boy in his arms to calm him down a little.

When the tears subdued to little hiccoughs, Judith leant down and looked at the boy. “I will burn your clay and give you the figurine next time, okay?” she asked, and Satoshi nodded thankfully.

“Thank you,” he whispered but she waved him off.

“It’s yours. I’ll see you next week and thank you for telling me.”

Satoshi nodded rubbing his red eyes. They were itchy. Nagase looked from one to the other and stroke the cheek of the boy.

“Shall we go home?” he asked, and Satoshi nodded.

“Yes, please.”

Nagase stood once more and helped Satoshi outside and into his car to drive them both home. They didn’t talk for the next hour till they were eating their dinner. It didn't look like Satoshi wanted to say anything yet and Nagase respected that.

“I told Judith about my parents and what happened,” Satoshi mumbled, and Nagase nodded.

“I see.”

“Don’t you want to know about what I do when I’m there?” Nagase smiled and put his cutlery down.

“Of course, I’m curious. But Satoshi, these talks are about you and for you. I won’t try to pry into you. I listen to everything you want to tell me but I’m fine with everything you won’t tell me, too.”

Satoshi thought about it for a while before he smiled thankfully at the man and resumed eating feeling more relaxed now.

“So your friend, Sho, is coming tomorrow?” Nagase asked changing the topic.

Satoshi nodded excitedly. “Yes! His parents allowed him to since it’s weekend and he doesn’t have to do homework for the next day.”

“That’s nice. What do you want to do?”

“Would it be okay if we go to the playground or the park? And do you have a ball or frisbee or something like that? Sho and I are excellent at playing soccer,” Satoshi asked further and a little hopeful. He loved playing football with Sho and other kids in the park. Nagase laughed a little amused and nodded.

“I have a few games for kids here. Don’t worry. Even if most of the things are for playing inside. And even if I wouldn’t have those things I would get them before tomorrow afternoon. Don’t worry. You can have a fun afternoon with your friend.”

“Will you come outside with us?”

“Yes, of course. I can't let you go outside without me now, can I?”

Satoshi grinned thankfully and ended his meal in a happier mood now.

“Any homework left?” Nagase asked, and Satoshi nodded with a pout before he sighed and left to get them. As he left school earlier, he wasn't able to go into the afternoon classes where they would do homework together so he had to do more today than normally. Nagase watched the boy while cleaning the kitchen and doing the dishes. When he looked at Satoshi's work, he hid a little smile when Nagase realised that Satoshi had begun to doodle while he was thinking about a more complicated problem.

He decided not to comment on it and just tousled his hair softly when Satoshi closed his books a while later. They watched a little TV before it was time for bed and Nagase wished the boy a good night.

\--

The next day Nagase found himself standing in front of two very troubled boys, and he couldn’t help himself but be amused. They looked just too cute.

“Come on then. Let’s get you home.” Satoshi nodded and tugged Sho with him to the car to get inside while he began babbling about what they would do.  
"First, I'll show you the room I'm staying in. It's nice. And then we'll eat lunch. Tomoya said he would make pasta for us since I told him that you like it. And afterwards, we'll go to a park to play soccer. Tomoya got us a ball and perhaps there will be others so we could play a real match-"  
“But we have homework to do, first," Sho interrupted

“Even today?” Satoshi pouted, and Sho nodded. “But we don’t have school at all tomorrow. We can do them then all alone. Today we should play!"

“We will finish soon,” Sho promised, and he nodded beaten. He knew better than to argue with Sho when it’s about school.

“Okay…”

“You can do them while I make lunch for us. After that, we can go out, and you can play.”

“But if we can’t finish it in time?” Sho asked, and Nagase shrugged.

“I think you don’t have to do all of them today, Sho. Your parents will understand. They wouldn’t have allowed you to come otherwise. And besides: We should go outside as long as there is daylight. Otherwise, you won't see the ball.”

Sho kept silent for a moment before he nodded a little unsure. Satoshi smiled happily since doing homework all day wasn’t his kind of fun day but playing soccer was.

After lunch, they packed a few things to be able to spend the rest of the day outside, and Nagase sat on a bench when they arrived to leave the kids alone.  
Satoshi left with Sho after ensuring that Nagase would stay there and hold onto his ball.  
"Let's play there. In the sand it's hard to run," Sho mumbled and tugged Satoshi along with him to a little space that was separated by a fence with a small door from the rest of the playground. It even had two little goals so Sho thought it was for playing soccer and the like so that nobody would hit the smaller kids playing in the sand with flying balls. So it was perfect.  
"Uhn", Satoshi nodded and glanced nervously at Nagase, who stayed sitting leisurely at the bench with their backpacks and watching them.  
"Or do you want to go to the swings or the monkey bars first?" Sho asked further when he realised that he didn't have Satoshi's whole attention and Satoshi blinked before he looked at the ball in his hands.  
"No, soccer is good!" he said more loudly and let the ball fall to the floor. Sho nodded grinning, and they began kicking the ball around. It was a little boring to play just as the two of them - more so since nobody wanted to stand in the goal just to stop the balls. So that they were only running around laughing and trying to get the ball from the other.  
"Can we play with you?" he heard a voice and looked up. Satoshi picked up the ball once again and watched the two boys and one girl in front of the door, apparently waiting to be allowed to come inside, too. His eyes went to Nagase once again, relieved that he was still sitting where they left him and was now talking with a woman with a baby sitting in front of them. He looked at Sho, who shrugged and smiled.  
"It would be more fun, ne Satoshi?"  
"Yup!" he decided and took a deep breath when the kids cheered loudly and ran into their zone.  
"Mary can play in your group," one of the boys shouted, and Satoshi nodded smiling at Mary before he let go of the ball and they were chasing it once more. Three more times they were asked to join them and each time Satoshi nodded a little faster till they had two teams and could try to play a game.  
"My dad says he would play as a referee if that's okay?" a boy said when he joined them, and Satoshi looked at the man for a long moment before he nodded.  
"Okay."

Nagase watched the kids playing on the field and smiled when he realised that Satoshi seemed to have forgotten he was there. He knew that the boy would panic if he left but that was fun to see him playing without a care in the world. Just the way kids should be. He watched the shouting and laughing boy and thought that Satoshi was smiling a lot brighter than he had the past few days.  
After two more hours though he went to the game and signalled the father who was playing as a referee to sign for a little break. "Satoshi, Sho," he called them and waited till they were in front of him. He tousled Satoshi's hair and reminded them to drink something. "Do you want to stay here a little more?"  
"May we?" Satoshi asked, and Nagase nodded humming. "But just half an hour more. Then we should get back eating dinner, and you can watch a movie till your parents arrive?"  
The boys nodded and gave back their bottles before they ran onto the field once more.

When Sho’s parents came in the evening to fetch Sho, Nagase closed the door to the living room for a moment to be able to talk to them without Sho or Satoshi listening in.

“Thank you for allowing Sho to come,” he said politely, and Miss Sakurai nodded.

“He begged us to come, and we agreed after a while. After he had promised us you were great, and he would call if anything happens,” she explained carefully, and Nagase nodded. He could understand the distrust of Sho’s parents. They didn’t know him because they weren't able to meet before today. And a short telephone call was never enough.

“Satoshi can come visit us anytime he wants. Even directly after school. He and Sho met regularly before to do their homework together. His mother approved.”

Nagase nodded looking at the door to ensure that it was still closed and that the movie was still playing.

“I will talk to him about that. It'd be good if they could meet more often even if it’s only for an hour or two.” It would be easier for his work, too, if he were able to fetch Satoshi a little bit later on some days.

“I will tell the school that you can take him with you then. I’m sorry I can’t do that for everyone who takes Sho because I have to know who takes him, and I don’t have the time to get to know every parent in the next days or weeks,” Nagase said afterwards, and the woman nodded understandingly.

“That won’t be a problem. I work from home so I can get them whenever Satoshi wants to come visit us.” Nagase nodded thankfully and brought them to the living room.  
"Hello, dear," Sho's mother said and smiled at him.  
"Mum, Dad," he greeted and looked at the screen a little bit sadly. The movie wasn't finished yet. Nagase smiled amused and sighed.  
"I'll get your things ready. The movie should be ending soon." Sho nodded eagerly and went back to watching the last few minutes till the ending credits were rolling.

“Goodbye, Satoshi,” Sho waved at his friend when he got his things, who grinned and waved back.

“I’ll see you on Monday.” Sho nodded.

“Goodbye, Mr Nagase.”

“Goodbye Sho, Mr and Mrs Sakurai,” Nagase said and accompanied the family out. Then he came back and tousled Satoshi’s hair who was still lounging on the sofa.

“I would say you need a shower or a bath, mister,” he grinned, and Satoshi giggled before standing up.

“Yes, sir,” he saluted and ran laughing into his room to get his things and afterwards into the bath. Nagase rolled his eyes amused and began cleaning up the living room.

“I’m ready,” Satoshi called, and he looked up.

“Sleepy?”

Satoshi nodded yawning, and Nagase stood up to accompany him to his bedroom to tuck him safely in his covers.

“Then good night, Satoshi. Sleep well.” Satoshi nodded smiling sleepily before he closed his eyes and fell asleep even before Nagase were able to leave the room. Nagase chuckled a little and shook his head.

“Just a little tired, eh?”, he asked himself and left the room to enjoy his calm evening with a good book.


	9. Chapter 9

Nagase took Satoshi outside most of the weekend after Satoshi finished his homework on Saturday of course. He watched as Satoshi played most of the time football or ran around on the playground trying all the stuff that was there and talking with the other kids who visited the playground on those days. He even seemed to make some new friends and Nagase was very happy.

It was good to see Satoshi laughing more often and playing without much thinking. In the evening he told him stories about his parents and what they did on the weekends and Nagase told him some things from his childhood.

On Monday Lara came to visit them in the late afternoon. She smiled at Satoshi and tousled his hair.

“Hello, Satoshi. What are you doing?”, She asked curiously as he was bent over the little table in the living room and seemed to be intensely concentrated. She couldn’t see what exactly he was doing since he was almost entirely curled around his part of the table.

“A drawing for school,” he mumbled, and she blinked surprised.

“Sounds nice, what are you drawing?”

“A dog. It was in the park, and I was allowed to play with it. Look, it’s cute isn’t it?” he asked and showed his picture. It wasn’t finished yet but almost and Lara smiled at the detailed picture.

“Wow! It’s great. You are good.”

 

“Thank you,” Satoshi smiled happily and put his things away when Nagase came into the room. “Why are you here?”

“Manners, Satoshi. You didn’t even greet Lara,” Nagase scolded, and Satoshi pouted a little before he mumbled a ‘sorry’ and ‘hello’.

“I’m here to tell you, that I talked to a friendly couple this morning. We talked about you and that we are looking for a family to take you in,” she explained, and Satoshi stiffened a little bit.

“So soon?” he asked, and she nodded.

“Of course. You can’t stay here forever.”

“I know…” Lara smiled and patted his hair, and Satoshi tried not to grimace at that.

“They are called Paul and Jane Mann, and they are keen to get to know you and want to meet you soon.”

“How soon?” he asked and looked a little helplessly and nervously at Nagase, who gave him a cup of cocoa.

“Not before the trial, Satoshi. You will live with me till then, and we will meet them together for the first times so that you won’t be alone.”

Satoshi nodded and looked into his cup. He didn’t want to leave, and he was nervous when he thought about meeting the couple.

“I’m sure you will like them, and they will like you. You don’t need to worry, Satoshi,” Lara promised, and he nodded once more mutely. He didn’t know what to say. Lara left soon after, and Nagase sighed.

“Don’t look so down, Satoshi. I’m sure it will be all right.”

“If you say so… Ne Tomoya? When will the trial be?” he asked lost in thoughts and Nagase hummed.

“Next Monday.”

“That soon, huh?” Satoshi mumbled and shook his head. Everything seemed to move too fast now, and it scared him more than he had thought at first. He excused himself early to go to bed and stayed more or less silent the next few days, too. Nagase was worried about him but in the end, he couldn’t do anything about it but to make sure that Satoshi knew that he would stay with him as long as he could.

\--

“I’m not feeling good. I don’t want to go to school today,” Satoshi said Monday morning and Nagase looked up from his newspaper. Today was the trial of his father, and initially, it was planned that Satoshi would go to school as he didn’t want to be at the trial himself and Nagase was allowed to make the testimony in his place if needed. But the evidence from the police should be enough to convince the judge of the crime. Besides it didn’t seem like Satoshi’s father wanted to put his son on the court and seemed willing to confess too. Nagase looked at the pale face of Satoshi and nodded in the end.

“Okay… I won’t force you to go to school,” he allowed and called the school to tell them that Satoshi would be absent for the day. Afterwards, he called Judith so that Satoshi could talk to her about what he wanted to do while he called the police to ask if there was a place for Satoshi to stay.

When Satoshi put the phone down, he looked a little better, and Nagase forced him to eat some breakfast at least.

“You can come with me to court and sit in another room,” he explained, and Satoshi nodded nervously.

“Will I have to go in, too? I don’t want that. Judith said I don’t have to because he is my dad or something like that,” he asked a little panicked and Nagase shook his head.

“She is right. You don’t have to if you don’t want to since you are related if you are asked. But I don’t think they will even ask you. It’s clear what happened, and that should be enough.”

“Can I see him? Not in court but… Before he has to go to jail?”

Nagase watched him for a moment and nodded slowly. “If you want.”

“Yes… I have to tell him that I don’t hate him. I… don’t. Is that weird? I don’t forgive him for killing mum, but I don’t hate him either. I talked to Judith about my feelings about the trial and everything. And I realised that I want to see him and tell him. It’s not normal, is it?”

“No, it is not weird,” Nagase said after a moment and took his hand in his own to give it a squeeze.

“He is your dad, after all, and you told me he was nice when you were younger. Even if you don’t know why you want that, it’s enough that you feel like that’s the right thing. You normally are excellent at realising what you need to feel good.”

Satoshi nodded and smiled relieved. He didn’t want to live with his father anymore, and he wasn’t sure if he still loved the man, but he didn’t hate him, and that was enough for him at the moment. He just wanted to let him know.

They left shortly after and Nagase kept an eye on Satoshi and their surroundings so nobody would recognise the boy or even try to talk to him about what happened or took photos - Nagase didn’t like reporters at all - and steered him into the building safely. He spoke with a woman at the front desk before leading the boy again to a little room right beside the courtroom.

“You can talk to your dad after his trial. I asked for him to stay in a room for just a few minutes afterwards.”

Satoshi nodded and felt nervous once more at the thought of seeing his dad again. He hadn’t thought he would ever want to see the man again after that day, but now everything was different somehow.

“And you can tell me if you decide not to. We can postpone it if you don’t feel up to it later.”

“I promise, Tomoya. Thank you for your help.”

Nagase nodded and tousled his hair grinning a bit before he searched for his mobile. “Here you can listen to some music and read or draw something while I’m away. There will be policemen in front of the door to look after you so you don’t have to worry about anyone coming in,” he explained, and Satoshi frowned. He didn’t trust any police officers.

“I promise they will look after you, Satoshi. You can trust me, can’t you?” he asked and made a mental note to tell his new family later that they had to work with Satoshi to trust police once more at least enough to believe that they will help him if needed.

“Yes…” Satoshi mumbled.

“Drinks are there on the table, and I put some snacks in your bag for you,” Satoshi grinned and looked into the bag.

“Thank you, Tomoya. I promise to stay here till you get me,” he added, and Nagase nodded a little relieved.

“Splendid. See you later, Satoshi.”

He left the room when there was a knock and met Lara on his way to the courtroom. She would attend as well to stand for Satoshi’s wishes and well-being after it was decided what to would happen to the man. And to obtain an approval of adoption for Satoshi as well.

“Satoshi is here, too. He wished to meet his dad once all of this is over,” he told her and she frowned a bit.

“And you promised him before talking to me, didn’t you?”

Nagase shrugged and nodded. “Yes, and I’m sorry about that, but I thought it would be a good for him. I think Judith thinks so, too. Otherwise, she would have said so to Satoshi.”  
Lara had thought about it before she nodded slowly. “I think you are right. But that doesn’t mean that I like his decision,” she said and entered the room together with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are a little confused because of the timeline: I decided randomly that the attack happened at the 20.05.2003 which was on a Tuesday, early in the morning. He was in the police station till midday when Nagase took him for ice-cream and lived with him since then. They met Judith on that Thursday for the first time. The second time was the Thursday afterwards which was when they decided that Satoshi would go to school come Monday the same week he met with Sho at home. It's the 9th of June at the beginning of the chapter and the 16th at the end. So yup he is at Nagase's for a little while now. Normally they would have tried to look for a more permanent residence sooner, I think. But I know that there is some social worker in Germany where kids live right after traumatic experiences or to be accompanied till a trial of family members start and throughout it so that they aren't alone and well cared for. Normally with therapeutic sessions, too... Let's just pretend everything is totally fine as  
>  it is?


	10. Chapter 10

It was nearly an hour later, and Satoshi couldn’t sit still anymore. He doodled most of the previous time in a scrapbook Tomoya bought for him when they were in town one day. But he couldn't concentrate and was a bit frustrated at that. He felt so nervous thinking about meeting his dad later and telling him what he thought about. He didn't even know anymore what he wanted to say to him and tried practising his lines a few times. Not that it helped... Now he contemplated cancelling the meeting after all. Everything he would tell his father was not right and besides it wouldn't even interest the man.

He sighed and stood once again to walk the short distance to the door and was about to open it and peek into the courtroom before he went back and sat on the high chair in front of the desk once more. Satoshi grabbed his pencils again and tried to draw anything to take his mind off whatever happened in the room beside his. But his hand wouldn't move. He drank a little bit of the soda Nagase brought with him and ate a tiny bit of chocolate before he leant back on the stool and began tapping his pencil against the desk he stilled again. He tried to be as silent as possible to be able to listen to the trial in the next room but the walls were too thick, and he couldn’t hear anything.

He rubbed his face frustrated and scolded himself for being so damn silly. Judith and Tomoya would have told him if they thought that talking with his dad wasn’t good, and both said it would be okay. And Satoshi still believed Tomoya would tell him the truth every time about everything, Judith too, but he trusted Tomoya a little bit more. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply to relax which was totally in vain when there was a knock on the door, and Tomoya came inside with Lara directly behind him. Satoshi stood up fast and looked at them anxiously.

“Hello, Satoshi,” Lara said with a smile, and he tried to smile back. But it ended more like a grimace than a real smile so he gave up pretty soon.

“Hello, Lara. Is everything finished?” he asked, and Tomoya nodded.

“Yes.” Satoshi looked at him curiously and waited for him to tell him more. “He will be in jail for at least fifteen years and even after that it's not likely that he will be released,” he added, and Satoshi nodded once more. Lara looked a bit irritated, apparently not happy about the spilt information, at Tomoya, who ignored her and bent down to look into Satoshi’s eyes.

“We asked again if you could meet him before he leaves and they said yes. But only for five minutes top and it has to be now. Are you ready?”

“As ready as I can be,” he replied a little anxious and Tomoya nodded.

“Okay then let's go.”

Satoshi grabbed Tomoya’s hand and followed him outside. Lara was just a step behind them, looking worried. Satoshi tried his hardest to ignore her as it made him even more nervous and he did want this talk! They were going along a long corridor and halted in front of a door. Tomoya stood beside him as he hadn’t let go of his hand and watched him, waiting for him to take the decision of opening the door and stepping inside.

Satoshi stood in front of the door nervously and met Tomoya's eyes. "Will you come inside with me?" he nearly begged, and Tomoya nodded much to Satoshi's relief. He took another deep breath and entered the room with Tomoya right behind him. He met eyes with his father's and didn’t feel anything.

This was the man because of whom his mother died, and he despised him for that. But this was also the man who laughed with him so many times, who carried him on his shoulders whenever he wanted or when he was too tired to walk anymore. He liked this happy memories and hoped they would remain while the others would dull down. But he couldn't say if that would happen one day. And he would have to live with them for as long as they were with him. All because of this man in front of him.

He cleared his throat and looked at the man once again before turning away slightly as to not have to look into his eyes any longer. He thought for a moment about what he should tell him glad that everyone was waiting for him to make the first step.

"I despise you for what you did. I really, really do. But I realised I don't hate you. You are my father, after all. But you murdered mum, and I miss her. I will miss her my whole life. And that's completely your fault. I don't forgive you; I don't know if I ever can. But I wanted you to know that I don't hate you as my father," he said and looked up shortly, "but I also want you to know that I don't want to see you at the moment, if ever again. I ask of you to not contact me first. I will do if I want if I'm ready to talk to you ever again."

He stepped back breathing hard and was glad when he felt Tomoya against his back who put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing slightly.

"I... I understand. Thank you for telling me, Satoshi," Mamoru said, and Satoshi nodded mutely. He saw how his father opened his mouth to say more and realised he wouldn't be able to stay in this room one more minute or listening to him talk. He shook his head in panic and bolted out of the room. Satoshi collapsed right in front of the door after it fell shut. His heart was beating like he had run a mile and his whole body was shaking while he fought his tears still breathing hard. Tomoya was by his side just a second later, and he held onto him, as tight as he could.

"You did great," Tomoya whispered stroking the shaking shoulders while he embraced Satoshi safely. "I am proud of you."

"Do you think mum would be happy with me?"

Tomoya nodded and looked into his eyes. "I am confident that she would be. I can't say for sure, but I believe she would be as proud as I am. You were very brave." Satoshi smiled softly and grabbed him a little tighter.

"Can we go home now?"

"Of course, Satoshi," he said and helped him up to bring him back to his car and home.


	11. Chapter 11

Satoshi woke early the next morning and stayed in bed for a few more minutes. He looked up at the ceiling and thought about his dream. He dreamt of his mum and dad being happy and visiting the beach with them. He and his dad built a big sand castle and his mum played hide and seek with him. It was a happy memory. He sighed sadly and rubbed his eyes a little. Now all of that would be gone.

His dad was now in jail, and Satoshi was surprised that he felt relief more than anything. He thought he would feel more sad or even angry because it didn’t make anything better. But instead, he was relieved that everything has ended now. He sat up when he heard Tomoya opening the door and smiled at the man.

“Good morning, Satoshi. Are you awake? Is everything alright?”

“Uhn... I just feel a little strange, Tomoya,” he mumbled, brows furrowed and thinking about how he could tell Tomoya exactly how he felt when he didn’t even really know or understand. But Tomoya didn’t ask. He just nodded and Satoshi smiled thankfully. He loved the man for being so understanding and never asking anything he couldn’t or didn’t want to answer.

“I see. Come on then. Since you are up, you can start getting ready, and I will make you something for breakfast. Today is school if you remember?” he asked jokingly, and Satoshi nodded while he jumped out of bed.

“Yes! The teacher said we will play soccer in P.E. I hope I can be a team leader. Then I can decide who I want to have in my team,” he said excited, and Tomoya rolled his eyes a little amused at the happy face. He wondered when the time would come that Satoshi didn’t like soccer anymore. But he didn’t think that he would be there, whenever the time would come. He watched Satoshi run to the bathroom and opened a window to let the air in. Before he went to the kitchen to make them breakfast plus something for Satoshi to bring with him to school.

At school, Sho waited for him at the door and grinned. “Where were you yesterday? The teacher said you were ill. But you don’t look sick?”

Satoshi grimaced and tugged him with himself in a little corner. He totally forgot to tell Sho about yesterday and didn’t know what to say now.

“I told you about dad and mum, remember?”

Sho nodded a bit confused and looked at him now obviously worried. “Yes?”

“Yesterday my dad was sent to jail, and I was at court with Tomoya. I didn’t want to go to school,” he mumbled and looked around nervously, and Sho’s eyes widened a bit. He opened and closed his mouth for a moment, not knowing what to say, and Satoshi sighed a little.

“It’s strange. I don’t feel sad or anything like that. So you don’t have to worry. Tell me about what you did yesterday?” he asked, and Sho nodded while he brought him back to their classroom.

“I copied my notes for you. And in maths, we learned a new formula but I can explain it, so don’t worry,” he began as they sat down on their chairs so that Sho could tell him everything they did the day before. Satoshi was grateful that his friend accepted what happened, even if he was clearly uncomfortable talking about it. But so was Satoshi and just like Judith and Tomoya promised him, it was much easier to talk about such things freely. If he just weren't so nervous about meeting his new parents on Saturday, all would be perfect.

\--

Saturday came much faster than Satoshi anticipated or hoped for.

“I’m feeling ill, Tomoya. Can’t we postpone the meeting?” he asked hopefully, and Tomoya shook his head.

“I’m sorry, but we really can’t, Satoshi. You have to meet them sooner or later, and I think, sooner will be better for you. So we go today. Lara did all she could so that we can have this meeting today and not earlier during the last week. Why are you worried?”

“What if they don’t like me? Or if they don’t come? What if they decide that I’m awful?”

Tomoya sighed and kneeled down to be able to look into his downturned eyes.

“That’s silly, Satoshi. Why would you think so, mh? You don’t have to worry about it. They will like you. You are a great boy after all. And I am sure that they are thinking the same things. They are there.”

“Promise?”

“Promise,” Tomoya nodded and tousled his hair softly. “And besides. Lara and I will be there, too. Nothing bad will happen. Shall we go? Otherwise, we will be late.”

Satoshi nodded even if he felt not better and hold onto Tomoya’s hand tight while walking beside him.

They entered Lara’s office, and Satoshi didn’t know if he should be glad that they were the first or nervous because the others weren’t there yet.

“Hello, Satoshi. How are you feeling?” Lara asked softly, and he grimaced a little.

“Nervous,” he answered truthfully, and she patted his head softly.

“You don’t have to be. They will arrive soon, so I’ll get us something to drink and cookies, alright? Everything is a lot brighter with cookies.” Satoshi nodded a little and watched her go. Tomoya grinned a little amused at him and pushed him onto the sofa to sit down.

“Relax, Satoshi. Nobody will eat you here. I promise.” Satoshi scowled at that, and Tomoya laughed a little bit. At least he was calmer now. Lara came back just a little while later bringing drinks and the promised cookies, and they talked for a little while till there was a knock at the door. Satoshi went still beside him, and Tomoya patted his shoulder while Lara went to open the door.

 

Satoshi looked at the door and listened to the voices for a moment without really understanding anything that was spoken off. When the couple came in he stood up abruptly, surprising Tomoya a little who stood up as well and they greeted the couple in front of him.

“Good morning. Pleased to meet you. I’m Tomoya Nagase and that’s Satoshi Ohno,” he said smiling softly at the nervous couple in front of him who looked at him for a moment before watching Satoshi.

“Hello. I’m Paul Mann and that’s my wife Jane,” Paul said in the end because Jane wouldn’t stop watching them nervously. Lara smiled and got them to sit down and take a cup of coffee. 

“Hello,” Satoshi mumbled and sat down once more after Tomoya poked him softly into the back to remind him to speak, too. There was silence for a moment as both didn’t know how to proceed before Lara coughed a little.

“Satoshi, Paul told me he is a trainer for a soccer team. Wouldn’t that be great? You like to play after all.” Satoshi looked at Lara, then at Paul and in the end at Tomoya who lifted his eyebrow to signal him that it was his turn to answer after all.

“Yes, I like to play with Sho,” he said carefully, and Jane smiled at him.

“Is Sho a friend of yours?”

He nodded and twisted his fingers nervously. “Yes, he is my best friend. We met at school last year. And we go to the park together on Fridays,” he stopped talking and looked a little scared at the woman in front of him. “Uhm… Do I have to change school?”

“Of course not. We don’t live that far from your school, and we can bring you there. Don’t worry. We don’t want you to lose your friends.”

“Oh… Okay.”

The talk between the three of them was painful and slow and more often than not Lara or Tomoya had to prompt Satoshi to speak at all since he fell silent more often than not. Lara told him about their flat and what they could do there and Paul told him about his soccer team and that they would be happy if he decided to join the team.

“And we thought about going on a little vacation at the end of the school holidays. Would you like that, Satoshi?” Jane asked almost at the end of the meeting. He blinked and stiffened a little.

“I don’t know?” he mumbled, and Nagase smiled a little.

“A little trip to the beach sounds like fun, doesn’t it?” Satoshi nodded a little and looked at them for a moment.

“I guess,” he agreed in the end, and Lara smiled.

“You can get to know each other a little bit more then,” she nodded, and Satoshi had to agree. It seemed logical after all. And at the end of the vacation would mean that he had seven more weeks to become comfortable living with them.


	12. Chapter 12

Faster than Satoshi had hoped, Lara decided that he could move in with the Mann’s. The school was almost over, after all, so he wouldn’t be with them for the whole day right from the start. Satoshi didn’t understand how that would help, but he had to accept their decision. So it was just a few days later - another Monday - when he stood in front of the door of his new home.

“Will I see you again?” he asked Tomoya, who hold his bag hopefully and chanced a glance at the man, who watched him with a soft look. At least that’s what Satoshi thought it was.

“Of course, we can meet whenever you like. You can call me whenever you want to talk,” he promised and put the bag down to crouch in front of him to look into his eyes. “You don’t have to be scared, Satoshi.”

 

“But I don’t want to be alone…”

“You won’t be. Jane and Paul are kind people. They will be with you every day. You can count on them.”

He nodded and bit his lip hard. He was scared. More scared than he would ever want to admit. He hugged Tomoya close and breathed in deeply.

“I will miss you, Tomoya,” he whispered in the end and was glad when the man brought his arms around him, too, instead of breaking their contact. After a few minutes though he loosened his hold on him and smiled softly.

“I will miss you, too. So call me whenever you need to, promise?” Satoshi watched him and nodded slowly. Tomoya ruffled his hair softly and stood once more to go the last few steps to the front door and ringing the bell.

Satoshi didn’t listen to them talking for a few moments and just stood beside Tomoya feeling a little lost and sadder than he had for a few days now. He didn’t want to separate from the older man, but he didn’t know what he could say to prevent that at all.

He watched Paul taking the bag out of Tomoya’s hand and felt Jane’s hand on his shoulder. “I’m happy to have you here,” she said and smiled. He nodded and looked at Tomoya to say his goodbyes once more before following Jane into the house.

“Welcome to your new home, Satoshi. Come on; we’ll show you your new room,” Paul said, and he followed them again without saying anything. He looked around curiously ending it with looking at Jane and Paul who were watching him nervously.

“Thank you,” he breathed at last, and they smiled.

“We didn’t know what colours you would like so we can go shopping on the weekend to get some other things for you besides the necessities. How does that sound?” Paul asked, and he nodded.

“I would like that,” he mumbled, and Jane smiled happily.

“I will show you around while Paul unpacks for you. And then we’ll order pizza for tonight as a treat.” Satoshi smiled and nodded a little before saying his thanks again. He followed Jane around the house and hoped inwardly that he wouldn’t feel like intruding for much longer. He never felt like that around Tomoya. But that could be because he wanted to be nice to this people, unlike Tomoya, who he didn’t want to impress at that time.

After the tour, they ended in the living room where he was allowed to decide for a pizza for himself and some ice-cream as a dessert. They talked about the things they normally did in the evening and what else they did at home. Satoshi realised that they were interested in him and wanted to know as much as possible about him, but he had a hard time to come up with anything to say, and he felt bad about it. So he was gladder than he wanted to admit when it was time for him to go to bed.

Jane tucked him in, and he smiled softly when she stroke his hair. “Good night, Satoshi. We are excited to have you here,” she said once more, and he nodded.

“Thank you,” he mumbled. He wasn’t able to say that he was happy to be here. In fact, he wasn’t unhappy, not really at least, but he wasn’t exactly happy either.

He stared at his ceiling that had stars pinned on it and felt tears in his eyes. He wanted to have such a ceiling at home, and his mum promised him he would get one sometime. Now it was there, but his mother wasn’t, and he asked himself if it would be too much to ask for it to be removed. He rolled onto his side and cried silently into his sheets.

He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t ask Paul and Jane to remove the stars on his ceiling because it was something he wished for. Even if he realised now, he didn’t want them anymore, and he knew the both of them did their best to make him feel at home here. But he couldn’t.

Everything reminded him of home. It made his heart sink, and he felt so sorry for behaving like that. He tried to talk to them each evening, and they played games, and he liked them helping him with his homework or telling him stories about their families. Some of his favourite new pastimes were listening to Jane reading her stories to him in the evening when he laid with her in his bed or watching Paul trying out new dishes he read about online - tasting those things were mostly great too.

He wasn’t able to articulate how he felt to Judith, too, when he met her on Thursday and left the therapy as confused as before. Perhaps he just needed time, he decided and promised himself to give his best to accept Jane and Paul as his new parents and to forget about his mother and Tomoya as much as he could. At least for the beginning. So he wouldn’t try to contact Tomoya for two more weeks just to feel better living with them.

But his new resolve didn’t help him much to sleep better in the evenings. He felt good whenever he was in school or with Paul and Jane. He felt good about everywhere where he didn’t have to be alone with his thoughts and confusing feelings. He laid awake most of the night crying for at least half of it. He just didn’t know how he could talk to Paul and Jane about that.

They told him daily how happy they were that he was now there with them, and he was too in a way. He didn’t want to make them sad with his feelings of not belonging here. He was the worst. Silently he watched the pictures he had drawn in the last few days and hugged his knees closer to his chest. He was sitting alone in his room and tried to be as silent as possible as not to wake Paul and Jane in the room beside his. They would only be overly worried if they knew that he was still awake. Tomorrow would be the first day of his summer holidays and for the first time in his life, he was scared of them. Whenever he thought about the trip they would take in five weeks time the wish to run away was there and it was harder to push it back each time. He didn’t want to tell them though so he played along. Satoshi said where he wanted to go, what he wanted to do and how nice it would be to be able to swim in the ocean and play in the sand. He didn’t even lie about that. He believed it would be fun but at the same time, he was scared to go with them. His feelings were so confusing, and he just didn’t know what he should do.

“Hey you look gloomy,” Sho said the next day at school and sat down next to him when they had a break. Satoshi blinked and looked at his friend who handed him a bar of chocolate. He had forgotten that he was in school. He was just lost in his thoughts - which happened more often the last few days, but luckily the teachers didn’t pay as much attention as normally because of how close it was to the holidays. So there was no trouble from them.

“Thanks,” he grinned and took a bite of the chocolate. Sho would always get the expensive ones from his grandparents - freshly send from Japan - and they tasted so good! He liked that at Sho. Sho would share his Japanese treats just because he thought that he might like them. He looked a little uncomprehending at the kanjis on the paper before he sighed and shrugged.

“Just tired, I think,” he mumbled slowly when he realised that Sho waited for an answer and looked down at his table. Absentmindedly he traced a nick in his desk with his nail and thought about what to tell. “Jane and Paul talk a lot about going to the beach for the holidays.”

“You don’t want to?” Sho asked surprised, and Satoshi shrugged.

“Yes… No… I don’t know,” he whined a little in the end and put his head on the table. “I don’t know what I want, Sho. I’m just the worst person ever. Paul and Jane are so nice. I like them. I like playing with them and talking to them.” Sho nodded not comprehending and patted his back.

“You should tell them if you don’t want to go to the beach. I’m sure you could go somewhere else or even stay here,” he said, and Satoshi smiled a little.

“Do you think so?”

Sho nodded earnestly. “Yes, I believe we should tell every time what we want. Mum says so, too. And my mum can’t be wrong. She told Shu last week. Because she asked him if he would donate some of his toys for families that are poorer than us. Just the things we don’t play with anymore and asked him if she could take his stuffed rabbit, too. He said yes, because he said, he was a big boy and was ashamed to need it to be able to sleep. He was restless afterwards and even cried when he was in bed. He woke me up because of it, and I told mum. Mum scolded him for not telling her truthfully how he felt. Now he got it back - thankfully - because mum didn’t have time to wash it, yet. Now he is happy again. And we both can sleep now! He was silly for saying he didn’t want it anymore.” Satoshi looked at him thoughtfully and sighed a little.

“But I don’t know what I want,” he mumbled and sighed. “And I don’t want to be ungrateful…” Sho looked at him and ruffled his hair playfully like the adults did sometimes when something was troubling him.

“If you give it time you will know what to do,” he said and grinned proudly when Satoshi giggled into his arms.

“You don’t even know what that means,” he accused and Sho shrugged.

“Something magical. Adults say that, and it seems to come true every time!” Satoshi laughed out loud at that and grinned at him.

“Let’s play hide and seek with the others,” he said when he was able to breathe once more and tugged Sho with him. At least he felt a little bit better for the time being even if he had to think now really hard where he wanted to go.


	13. Chapter 13

Two weeks later Satoshi found himself in front of Tomoya’s door. He panicked when Paul said they would finally buy things for his new room tomorrow. The last days he was able to divert the attention to anything else - mostly by saying that he didn’t feel well or that he was tired - but it didn’t work this time. In the afternoon he was allowed to go outside with some neighbours and their kids, and it was easy to slink away and leave.

Satoshi knew he shouldn’t have done what he did, and he felt awful for running away instead of talking to Paul, Jane, Lara or Judith. He could have even called Tomoya and ask him to meet with him so that they could talk. But he had to take the worst decision and ran away. He was surprised when he was able to locate the building where Tomoya lived and even more so when an elderly neighbour let him in after recognising him so that he wouldn’t have to wait out here. Satoshi sighed and sat down in front of the door. Tomoya wasn’t home yet, and so he huddled on the floor in the cold corridor close by and decided to wait for him. He was sure that Tomoya would scold him badly, but he didn’t want to leave without at least seeing the older man.

Satoshi missed Tomoya deeply. He missed living in his flat and talked to him. He had liked it there after all, and it was not only because he helped him with the happenings then. Tomoya was a nice man, and he understood him more than he did himself. He sighed a little and thought about the two people he left right now. He liked them. He really, really liked Jane and Paul. They were friendly and fun to be with. They never forced him to do anything before. Just tomorrow they asked him to go shopping with them so that they could decorate his room before they go for that vacation that still haunted him.

But it didn’t feel the same with them, and he tried to feel comfortable around them and more at home. He talked to them, they played games together, and they were interested in him, and he liked to talk to them. But at night when he couldn't sleep he wished for Tomoya to talk to and to comfort him. He thought of him first when he finished a drawing or scored high in a test. He didn't think of the pair who took him in and he felt bad because of it.

Small tears escaped his eyes, and he huddled even more into himself to fight his loneliness which was silly if he thought too deeply about it. He wasn’t alone. He had tonnes of people around him who were worried about him. Satoshi closed his eyes once more hoping that Tomoya would show up soon.

 

Nagase looked at the sleeping boy in front of his door a few hours later. Paul called the office some time before to tell them Satoshi had vanished and everyone was worried about the boy that didn't answer his phone. He had run around most of the day in search of the boy and just wanted to grab a jacket before going out again when he had found him right here.

He sighed and squatted down to wake him up gently. He was worried, and he wanted to know what exactly had happened, but he decided that he had to be careful with the boy that unquestionably looked for something here.

“Uhn?” Satoshi grumbled waking up and blinking against the light in the corridor. Nagase sighed when he saw the dried tear streaks on his cheeks and hoisted the sleepy boy up into his arms to open his door and bring him inside.

“You’re freezing. How long did you sit out there?” he asked, and Satoshi blinked a little dumbfounded. He tried to recall where he was, and it took him a few minutes to realise he was in Nagase’s arms.

“Don’t remember. But you weren’t here.”

“Of course not. I was at work. And longer than usual since you decided to go astray without leaving anybody a note. Do you know how worried we all were? Paul and Jane are going crazy and are calling the office every half an hour to hear if you showed up. Why don’t you answer your phone?” he asked sternly and put Satoshi on the sofa and put some blankets around him to warm him up.

“I don’t have it on me. I forgot it at home. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to worry you or them… Not like that,” he answered sheepishly but truthfully. He knew the others would worry, but he didn’t want them to be worried. It was complicated.

“Let me call the office to tell them I found you and then you will tell me what happened and why you are here.”

Satoshi nodded mutely and pulled the blankets even closer around himself. He watched Tomoya while he called his office to tell them that he was with him and snapped his phone closed shortly afterwards. Then he sat beside him and put his arm around his shoulders.

“Now tell me.”

The boy fidgeted a little nervous under his stare, and Tomoya sighed before rubbing his back gently.

“I won’t be angry with you,” he promised, and Satoshi looked down.

“But disappointed and that’s even worse…”

Tomoya shook his head and stroked tiny circles onto his back. Satoshi felt himself relaxing and sank against Tomoya.

“I felt lonely and sad,” he admitted, and Nagase lifted an eyebrow at that.

“Lonely?”

Satoshi nodded and sighed. “I know it’s stupid. Sho is there at school, and my other friends and Paul and Jane are at home, and they are kind, and I like them. But I wanted to see you and talk to you. I missed you the last days so much,” he confessed crying softly, and Tomoya pulled him against himself for a moment. He couldn’t deny that he missed Satoshi himself but that wasn’t the point right now.

“And why didn’t you call me? Why did you come here without telling anyone?” Satoshi shrugged helplessly and looked at him confused.

“I panicked. And I was sad and wanted to talk to you, and I am exhausted. But I keep waking up there. I can’t sleep and I want to speak to you about the dreams. I can’t tell them. I tried. I promise I tried. Because I promised you to try my best since they are nice and kind people and they are. But I really can’t…” he stopped talking when a sob broke and he hid his face against Tomoya’s shoulder. Tomoya closed his eyes for a moment and pressed his lips against his hair. He embraced him once more and then looked into his eyes.

“For today you sleep here, okay? It’s late and we will talk more tomorrow. We will find a solution. I promise.”  
Satoshi looked at him hopefully, nodding after a moment. Tomoya tousled his hair once before he stood up and brought Satoshi to the room he occupied the last time he was here. Tomoya helped him to get ready for bed and Satoshi enjoyed to be pampered by him for now. Nagase watched over him till he fell asleep and sighed deeply before leaving the room thinking about what he could do to help Satoshi.


	14. Chapter 14

Satoshi woke up early the next day, feeling better than he had for the last weeks. He looked at the ceiling for a moment, feeling more safe and at home here than in the room Jane and Paul have given him. He sighed and sat up to look out of the window. He knew that he did something dangerous yesterday and thinking about the panic he caused for so many people made him feel even worse.

He rubbed his face and bit his lip. He was a terrible human being. He shouldn’t have run away without telling anyone about his whereabouts. He just hoped that Tomoya wouldn’t get into trouble because of him. That would be the worst. He didn’t want to leave this room and talk to Tomoya or anybody else about why he did it, but he knew that he really should do that. He listened to the sounds coming from outside and decided that Tomoya had to be awake and most likely in the kitchen. He slowly stood up and left the room before going into the kitchen. Tomoya was preparing breakfast for them, and he just stood there for a moment watching Tomoya in silence. He wanted to wake up to this more often, and he knew he was silly, but that was what he wished for. And Sho said he should just tell everybody what he wants. Even Judith said so. Satoshi just wasn’t sure if she meant it like that. He took a deep breath and took a step further into the room.

“Ne? Wouldn’t it be better if you would just adopt me?” Satoshi asked slowly and nervously, and Nagase stopped what he was doing to look at him more than a little surprised.

“What are you talking about?”

“I realised I only feel right when I am with you. So I will run to you each time you try to get rid of me,” he said slowly and balled his hands into fists. He hoped that Tomoya would at least try. And he hoped that Tomoya didn’t hate him or something like that.

“Satoshi,” he began, and Satoshi looked on waiting for him to speak. “I’m a bachelor with a terrible working schedule. I don’t have a wife who would take care of you while I’m at work. You would have to go to the neighbours or your friends a lot of times. And I will bring other kids in if they need a place to stay for a night or longer. It would be nicer for you to live with Jane and Paul…”

“I don’t care about that as long as I’m with you!” Satoshi declared, and Nagase couldn’t hide his smile and a tiny chuckle at those words spoken so bravely.

“Even if I said yes... I can’t promise it would work, you know? The child care service has to allow me to adopt you. And I think they wouldn’t be so happy with me as a choice. They want a stable environment for you.”

“Lara said I have a say in who could adopt me.”

Nagase nodded and put his hand on Satoshi’s head. He realised that Satoshi wanted this, and he wouldn’t be able to convince him otherwise at the moment.

“Shall we visit Lara then and ask her? But first, you have to go to Jane and Paul and say you are sorry for what you did. I’m not impressed with you running away from them without a word. And there will be consequences even if you can stay here.”  
Satoshi’s eyes shone brightly when he nodded his affirmative. He didn’t care about apologising since he was sorry and he was okay with any punishment as long as he didn’t have to leave the man.


End file.
